to love
I've always kind of been a Valentine's Day hater. I know. Typical. But really. I am not into any kind of "public displays" of love and affection with people, anyway, so why would I want it to be incredibly clear and out-in-the-open that I have a mushy-gushy love for someone on the same day that everyone around me makes me want to barf for doing that very thing? It's just another thing for others to assume about you — that you want to flaunt your significant other — if you have one. And if you don't really have an obvious Valentine, it is easily the most awkward way for someone to force feelings on you— publicly, nonetheless.
Today, I was trying to pinpoint how far back my dislike for the holiday began, and at first I thought it must have been seventh grade when a guy friend FILLED my locker at school with Valentines crap and I was absolutely humiliated when everyone wanted to know who was in love with me. But then I remembered—fourth grade. Yep. Back when you got to make cool boxes and give a Valentine to every person in class. I had a massive crush on one particular boy, and even though I would have given him a Valentine anyway, I had a special, hand-picked one for him. And as I went over to give it to him, I could hear him tell a friend that he didn't have one for all of the girls in the class because he didn't want them to think he liked them. [Or something like that. It was a long time ago.] I immediately turned around and pretended I forgot something at my desk and was mortified with the thought that I could be one of those girls. Heaven forbid he think that I like him. The only thing I could think to do in that instant was stuff the Valentine behind a nearby bookshelf and sit down. And I think from then on, I wasn't too fond of the day.
However, I really wasn't too bitter or anything today. Mostly — when you're in the real adult world, especially — you don't think much about the holiday and just go through the day like any other. Especially with no specific significant other, like myself. But I did get to thinking about some people from my past, mostly people whom I had loved at one time or another. There was one who I've been missing all day, and actually miss a bit each day. I won't see him again for a long time, and I'm not sure what circumstances will be like when I do see him again. The other person is one who really did a number on my heart. It's been a while since I've seen both of them, and both conjure up various feelings and memories, which got me into some deep, faraway places of thought. Mix a Ted talk about love and the brain in, and I've spent a great deal of my time today thinking LOVE.
There is no other feeling in the world like the feeling of being loved. And not just a mediocre, or expected, or quasi- love. A deep, true, glorious, painful, full love. Honestly, I don't know yet what this love can feel like at its greatest. But I think that I've felt shards of it, in some cases; if anything, I know what a pure and simple love feels like. There can be almost nothing more incredible than having a person loving you like that, besides feeling heavenly love. Of course, the thing that really makes it that wonderful in the end is when you love them back. That is love at it's very best.
I have just started seeing how much I really do worry about the possibly of not ending up with someone who loves me like crazy. What can I say—I've been stressing myself out since the moment I came into the world. However, the more I contemplate it, the more I understand that that isn't my greatest fear about love. What I really worry about is having someone to love who I am crazy about. Because, once again, the most important ingredient to making someone's love for you the most wonderful sensation in the world is you loving them first.
Requited love is the loveliest thing in all of existence.
So this is what I have decided. That even if I have loved [or do love] people who may never have and may never will love me back, getting to love — no matter what — is the second loveliest thing in the world. That's what makes it all worth it in the end. Having that warm, giddy, crazy for, unable-to-fall-asleep-without-smiling feeling. Even if they may not love you back, isn't it lovely to have someone to think about every once and a while, and get a twist in your stomach?? I think it is. The feeling may not last forever, if you really want someone to love you back, but getting just a bit of stomach butterfly syndrome is glorious.
My verdict = I want to thank all of those people in the world I've gotten the chance to love. Whether they have been boys whose faces I wanted to kiss, or friends who made me feel like pure gold, I want to express to them my appreciation to feel pure, good love for them, whether it was returned or not. Thank you for giving me warm fuzzies and laughs and smiles and peace and thankfulness and butterflies and giddiness. Getting to feel that stuff, even if only for one date or one hour or one week, is fantastic and something to be grateful for.
Because love is the most beautiful thing to experience. Thank you for fixing a swing for me; thank you for feeling nervous to hold my hand in a movie theater but still doing it; thank you for chatting with me for 3 hours about anything and everything; thank you for sending me a text that I know you actually put thought into; thank you for giving me butterflies the size of large birds in my stomach; thank you for steadying me with a hand on the small of my back while on an adventure-date; thank you for laughing at my jokes; thank you for making me love you, in big and small ways.
THANK YOU.
And happy day of love <3
Today, I was trying to pinpoint how far back my dislike for the holiday began, and at first I thought it must have been seventh grade when a guy friend FILLED my locker at school with Valentines crap and I was absolutely humiliated when everyone wanted to know who was in love with me. But then I remembered—fourth grade. Yep. Back when you got to make cool boxes and give a Valentine to every person in class. I had a massive crush on one particular boy, and even though I would have given him a Valentine anyway, I had a special, hand-picked one for him. And as I went over to give it to him, I could hear him tell a friend that he didn't have one for all of the girls in the class because he didn't want them to think he liked them. [Or something like that. It was a long time ago.] I immediately turned around and pretended I forgot something at my desk and was mortified with the thought that I could be one of those girls. Heaven forbid he think that I like him. The only thing I could think to do in that instant was stuff the Valentine behind a nearby bookshelf and sit down. And I think from then on, I wasn't too fond of the day.
However, I really wasn't too bitter or anything today. Mostly — when you're in the real adult world, especially — you don't think much about the holiday and just go through the day like any other. Especially with no specific significant other, like myself. But I did get to thinking about some people from my past, mostly people whom I had loved at one time or another. There was one who I've been missing all day, and actually miss a bit each day. I won't see him again for a long time, and I'm not sure what circumstances will be like when I do see him again. The other person is one who really did a number on my heart. It's been a while since I've seen both of them, and both conjure up various feelings and memories, which got me into some deep, faraway places of thought. Mix a Ted talk about love and the brain in, and I've spent a great deal of my time today thinking LOVE.
There is no other feeling in the world like the feeling of being loved. And not just a mediocre, or expected, or quasi- love. A deep, true, glorious, painful, full love. Honestly, I don't know yet what this love can feel like at its greatest. But I think that I've felt shards of it, in some cases; if anything, I know what a pure and simple love feels like. There can be almost nothing more incredible than having a person loving you like that, besides feeling heavenly love. Of course, the thing that really makes it that wonderful in the end is when you love them back. That is love at it's very best.
I have just started seeing how much I really do worry about the possibly of not ending up with someone who loves me like crazy. What can I say—I've been stressing myself out since the moment I came into the world. However, the more I contemplate it, the more I understand that that isn't my greatest fear about love. What I really worry about is having someone to love who I am crazy about. Because, once again, the most important ingredient to making someone's love for you the most wonderful sensation in the world is you loving them first.
Requited love is the loveliest thing in all of existence.
So this is what I have decided. That even if I have loved [or do love] people who may never have and may never will love me back, getting to love — no matter what — is the second loveliest thing in the world. That's what makes it all worth it in the end. Having that warm, giddy, crazy for, unable-to-fall-asleep-without-smiling feeling. Even if they may not love you back, isn't it lovely to have someone to think about every once and a while, and get a twist in your stomach?? I think it is. The feeling may not last forever, if you really want someone to love you back, but getting just a bit of stomach butterfly syndrome is glorious.
My verdict = I want to thank all of those people in the world I've gotten the chance to love. Whether they have been boys whose faces I wanted to kiss, or friends who made me feel like pure gold, I want to express to them my appreciation to feel pure, good love for them, whether it was returned or not. Thank you for giving me warm fuzzies and laughs and smiles and peace and thankfulness and butterflies and giddiness. Getting to feel that stuff, even if only for one date or one hour or one week, is fantastic and something to be grateful for.
Because love is the most beautiful thing to experience. Thank you for fixing a swing for me; thank you for feeling nervous to hold my hand in a movie theater but still doing it; thank you for chatting with me for 3 hours about anything and everything; thank you for sending me a text that I know you actually put thought into; thank you for giving me butterflies the size of large birds in my stomach; thank you for steadying me with a hand on the small of my back while on an adventure-date; thank you for laughing at my jokes; thank you for making me love you, in big and small ways.
THANK YOU.
And happy day of love <3
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