14.

He had the most beautiful brown eyes I had ever seen. They weren't his most redeeming quality, but close. He also had the perfect sprinkle of freckles across his nice nose and high cheek bones. And what a jaw-line. Lastly, he was tall. A beautiful 6 foot 4 inches. Or close to. You always round up when you are 16 going on 13. He was funny and honest and charming and a little bit shy all at the same time. I liked his mind, too. So intelligent. But so many things never worked. And I was forced to walk away, even though both of our hearts ached over it. Close to true heartbreak.

He was handsome. And charming and likeable and intense and hard to get along with. But I was crazy about him and would re-braid his Jedi braid when he asked and drive him to get food and bandage him up when he did something stupid to tear himself up. But I hurt him like so many other people in his life, and he walked away. And then I had a hole that took over from my heart to my stomach. My first true heartbreak.

He was short. But he had a smile that lit up everything around him, a perfectly imperfect smile. And compelling eyes. And wonderfully messy hair. And when you needed to talk about something, he really listened. It will forever be hard for me to find someone in this world who could care as much as he did. He was a little bit...sad, a lot of the time, but it just added to his charm. He wanted to fix everything without hesitation, even if the only thing he could think of that may make anyone feel better was some Sprite, lemonade and chocolate-covered peanuts. But he was the best friend. And that isn't supposed to be much more. I walked away, even when I probably shouldn't have.

He looked great in his glasses. He wasn't so tall, either, but was such a fun guy. And kind and good and happy. Always happy. He had beautiful blue eyes and a fun car we could drive everywhere in. We even kind of had a song. We went on fun dates and we could talk for hours without any need to think of what to say, laughing constantly. His family was wonderful, too. And they adored, no matter what. He was a "you" person and wanted to do whatever was necessary to make me happy. It got tiring. I was attached to him in so many ways, but not really by way of my heart. I had to walk away. It broke him. 

He was so shy. But to this day, I don't think I've met anyone who even came close to being like him. He was quiet and reserved and low-key, but also so passionate about life and his family and especially his friends—who were like brothers—in the most subtle, fiery way. He was tall and lean and had flawless skin with freckles sprinkled across his face. And his eyes. Big, deep, gorgeous brown eyes. When he laughed, especially when I could get him to laugh, it was wonderful. He was so sweet. He would have gone to the moon and back for me. For anyone he cared about. We worked well. I was the talkative, fill-in-the-obvious-blanks one, and he was the quieter, calmer, better half of the relationship. You could only like him more as you continued to get to know him. But my like and love only grew so much. By the end, my mom loved him almost more than I did, for being so good and patient and kind with a crazy like me. But still I walked away, and only stepped back once, briefly.

He was a nerd. Full-fledged. But he could sing like an angel and had a brilliant sense of humor and was   smarter than a whip. He wore polos with every button up, worked at a math tutor center and knew every stat for most major sports teams on the grid. He was sharp. And was already getting tid-bits of gray in his hair. We all joked about him being a silver fox one day. His mom hated me. He wanted me to go to BYU with him. We stayed in touch for a few weeks. The first time we saw each other since the summer, it just wasn't the same. There were different, wonderful things for both of us in different places. It hadn't been too serious anyway, right?? I walked away, though it seemed like it had actually happened months beforehand when I had broken his heart at the all-night senior party.

He was different. He wasn't handsome or tall or terribly charming. He was talented, quirky, opinionated, odd. But his eyes. BLUE eyes. And he could do any voice or impersonation or face in the book. He was an actor. He cracked me up and intrigued me and actually kind of irked me at first. But suddenly, somehow, we clicked. It was as if we had been made to be best friends. I wanted to be around him all the time. He intrigued and pulled me in and I thought we would be connected for...well, for forever. And then suddenly, just as suddenly as he'd been in the picture, he walked away. He lied and chickened out and found someone better to dote on him. He turned out to be the most cowardly lion I had ever met. And the hole resurfaced.

He was goofy. But adorable and incredibly pleasant, with blonde hair that stuck straight up and huge, round blue eyes and a tall, wiry frame. He struck up a conversation with me at a carnival and didn't stop being terribly interested until the day he started acting like I didn't existed. He played guitar for me after a walk and made me always laugh and ask deep questions and confessed that he had never been kissed. I finally gave in and kissed him, after he held my hand the second time we hung out. His roommates and my roommates all had fun cooking/movie nights. It lasted 2 weeks. I asked one too many questions and he was suddenly invisible. I didn't actually see and talk to him face-to-face until 7 months later. He said he was sorry. I just turned my back and walked away. 

He was the shortest of them all. And had beautiful, ginger-colored hair. He was the first RM. He always smelled heavenly and had a great frame, if only it could have been on a guy about about a foot taller. He was easy to make laugh and had a happy disposition. He also thought it only took a few weeks to decide to marry someone. I disagreed. And walked away. He was still one of my best friends. But he didn't like the idea of sharing, even as a friend. We've had a bit of a rough go of things ever since.

He was one of the most amazing people I have ever met. From the moment we first met he made me think differently, made me want to be better, gave me butterflies every time he looked at me. He was sharp and unique and well-liked and personable and had shocking blue eyes and soft hair and was cute and kind and talented and always stole the show without meaning to. He could draw and create like a master, play the guitar like a professional and dress like a professional model on their day off. We went on the best dates, we had so much fun, all while having a well-grounded, realistic, wonderful relationship. I kissed him on New Year's Eve while standing on a wall looking over Salt Lake City, and the cemetery where he introduced me to his grandmother. Even when he was away for a month, I didn't walk away. I just missed him every day. And then he walked away to serve the Lord in a foreign land and I stood there not wanting anything more than him.

He was probably the biggest mistake. Or at least close to. He was an amazing friend and cared about things most other people never did. He was smart, smart, smart and yet so very un-smart in so many ways. He cooked delicious food and we had fun doing dishes together in the small kitchen of that full house in the summer. He had deep brown eyes and a brilliant white smile and nice clothes. Mostly he listened. In the end, I couldn't just walk away, I had to push away. We'd been so close that he didn't leave my mind for quite a while, but being just friends never worked again. 

He was the biggest surprise of them all. He was older than any of the others. He made my heart race and could make me laugh so hard that I cried and he made me wish I had a more mysterious, beautiful look to me. He changed my life. With blue eyes and just the right kind of hair and a rugged, seasoned face, as if he had been on more adventures than I could ever imagine. But he ended up being softer in the middle than most people who meet him will ever realize. I thought there would always be things about him that I would never know, and yet, in the end, there are few things I think I won't, for the rest of both of our lives. We did everything together. We learned how to be together and put up with each other and make each other happier. I know exactly what makes him laugh. He'll always be able to pinpoint why I may be upset. He was the first to make me seriously consider marriage. He still is. And yet...in the end I walked away. And I thought it wouldn't be permanent. But, it was. Is. For now. But he will always be one of my best friends, and I love very few people in the world more than I do him.

He was everything I thought I wanted. He was fun and personable and involved with everything and hilarious and sweet and ambitious and romantic and well-dressed and incredibly good looking and loved Star Wars. He had great glasses and was just the right height and had perfect hazel eyes and great hair and made me laugh and there was chemistry and he made me really think about things. Our first date was one of my all-time favorite dates ever. And yet, it didn't take long to realize that he was nearly NOTHING that I thought he was, before. We walked away at the exact same time.

He was a lot of good things. He had looks, smarts, charm, energy and personality, openness to my situation. He cracked me up. He was...everything? Maybe for someone else. I walked away, for the best decision on my life. What I walked away for meant everything to me, and it turned out that he was never going to fit into my everything. And that was okay.

He was my neighbor. Then my co-worker. Then my friend. And now, my best friend. He's everything that I need. And want. He has brilliant blue eyes and perfectly imperfect hair and an endearing smile to go with his chuckle and is driven and kind and he makes me happy. SO HAPPY. We can just laugh and talk and sit and learn together. I want nobody but him. He's staying. And so am I.

15.