knots
I have this little tiny bit of my knot in my stomach for the last few days.
For part of it, I know I can blame this little thing called a fancy. I may just, a little bit, fancy someone. Another someone. We don't need details, really. It's stupid. You know those tiny knots you get from that sort of thing? Or not-so-tiny knots. Okay, now I'm not making much sense at all. That's okay.
Anyway, the other part of the knot formed — and rather quickly — when I got on Facebook in the morning and BAM! Right on my home feed: April and Phil are engaged. April was my roommate this last school year and my friend, through Morgan (a best friend from high school), during freshman year. They started dating last November, he was in our ward, and Shane and I were actually in the group for their first date. We went to the Institute girl's choice Winter dance. WOO!! It was actually pretty fun; we danced and ate food and it was awkward for them the whole time.
But, back to the present. I knew it was coming soon (cause Phil told all the guys in his current ward, which happens to include Shane), but then...it happened. And I have this feeling, in my stomach, that's uncomfortable and feels a little bit twisty-turny when I think about it too much. Why? Why is something, that really doesn't affect me, affecting me?
Maybe....maybe I am definitely not ready for that kind of step. Maybe this is even more of a testament to me of that. Maybe, I actually kind of have a phobia of it....that thing people sometimes do to be together for a long time. I literally can't even type it. Bleh. It makes me feel even more knotted inside thinking about it, and how I can't even type it, and how it just keeps happening and keeps happening to everyone.
And I just don't want it.
How do you get to a point where you are so ready, where you are so trusting and so happy and excited and so....okay with that? I was in a relationship for a long time, I overcame a lot of hurdles, but when it started to come close to that one, I just ran. Dropped everything and ran. I thought I was getting so much better, so much more courageous. And now...this knot is starting to make a lot of sense. This anxiety is a little bit better explained. I see a little bit better why I've let some stuff go....
Oh boy. What an epiphany to have in the middle of a full work day. And what a knot to have tied.
For part of it, I know I can blame this little thing called a fancy. I may just, a little bit, fancy someone. Another someone. We don't need details, really. It's stupid. You know those tiny knots you get from that sort of thing? Or not-so-tiny knots. Okay, now I'm not making much sense at all. That's okay.
Anyway, the other part of the knot formed — and rather quickly — when I got on Facebook in the morning and BAM! Right on my home feed: April and Phil are engaged. April was my roommate this last school year and my friend, through Morgan (a best friend from high school), during freshman year. They started dating last November, he was in our ward, and Shane and I were actually in the group for their first date. We went to the Institute girl's choice Winter dance. WOO!! It was actually pretty fun; we danced and ate food and it was awkward for them the whole time.
But, back to the present. I knew it was coming soon (cause Phil told all the guys in his current ward, which happens to include Shane), but then...it happened. And I have this feeling, in my stomach, that's uncomfortable and feels a little bit twisty-turny when I think about it too much. Why? Why is something, that really doesn't affect me, affecting me?
Maybe....maybe I am definitely not ready for that kind of step. Maybe this is even more of a testament to me of that. Maybe, I actually kind of have a phobia of it....that thing people sometimes do to be together for a long time. I literally can't even type it. Bleh. It makes me feel even more knotted inside thinking about it, and how I can't even type it, and how it just keeps happening and keeps happening to everyone.
And I just don't want it.
How do you get to a point where you are so ready, where you are so trusting and so happy and excited and so....okay with that? I was in a relationship for a long time, I overcame a lot of hurdles, but when it started to come close to that one, I just ran. Dropped everything and ran. I thought I was getting so much better, so much more courageous. And now...this knot is starting to make a lot of sense. This anxiety is a little bit better explained. I see a little bit better why I've let some stuff go....
Oh boy. What an epiphany to have in the middle of a full work day. And what a knot to have tied.
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