humble and selfish

 I am supposed to write a submission for my Institute class based on this prompt: 

• Reflect on a time a choice or life's circumstances required you to humble yourself. What happened? How did you respond? What power, strength or blessings did you receive from this experience? 

I figured I should probably put it here because...here I am still ignoring the longing of my soul to write more, to put more of myself into words. So here goes. 

My first thought was that right now I am in a circumstance in which I really need to humble myself, and part of it is life's circumstance, and part of it is because of my choices. I thought a year ago from right now that I would most certainly be in a different scenario than I am right now. I was certain that I would be pregnant, planning for my last baby, working through some of my classes, but mostly focused on my family. What has happened instead has been much sadder for us, for me, but also has led to so much more self-reflection and introspection. I have been living for myself so much more than I have in the past 7 years. I have thought of myself so much more; I have considered what I need and want, and I have really been here for myself more and more. I love my life, my children, M, my community, everything so much. I am deeply grateful for the life I live and for everything that has gotten me here, but I do deeply mourn each month when things in my life are prolonged, don't go the way I want, when I'm reminded that I am not actually in as much control as I'd like. I have reverted to some bad habits at times to "self-medicate," as my therapist would say, and I have chosen to withdraw from my family in some ways and times because of my emotions. I'm struggling with what my body is going through as there are clearly some issues I wasn't aware of that I am now facing physically, all while finding out I am on the verge of diabetes as well. I have had to be more selfish--but not in the negative form. However, I'm not sure that I have properly become humbled. I think that's where I am still working and trying to do so. I am still in the middle of this experience, but I do know that God's power never fails. I have flailed spiritually for the last few months, but I have not ever forgotten that God and Christ can do all for me, I must simply come to them and supplicate. I have to be meek and ask. That's all. They have not left and will not leave. I have not seen the other side of this dark tunnel of my life, and it is still up to me how I emerge from it—and with whom. I could come out alone. Or I could come out hand-in-hand with my Savior, the one who descended below all and did all for me to be better, to be more, to be able to come out of these difficult things with more power, understanding, and a stronger yoke tying me to Him.