time and Christ
We don't realize as children how many burdens, trials, hardships, afflictions, deep joys and sorrows and everything in between we are missing. It is such a simple, often burden-free existence. Now, I understand that many people don't experience a perfectly happy and fair childhood, but we often don't realize what we will be carrying around with us by the time we are adults.
I am turning 25 later this year, and have just started realizing how different it is for me to feel the way I feel now about loss, life, love, family, and hardships, than it was as a child, or even as a teenager.
My uncle committed suicide last week. He was unhappy a lot of the time, no matter what material things and wealth he obtained, which was a lot. He always had a problem with alcoholism, and could never quite get ahold of his addictions and the control they took from him. My extended family on my mother's side is not very large: we had me, my four brothers, my parents and then my maternal grandmother and two uncles. My older uncle lives in a different state and has been married a few years now, but we don't see he and his wife and two stepchildren very often. My uncle who died last week had a dog, and usually was dating someone seriously. I have a great aunt sometimes in the picture, but usually birthdays and holidays were celebrated with my immediate family, and my uncle and grandmother. That was it. So the loss of one of the 9 people (now 10, counting my husband) in that group is devastating.
I lost my aunt, my father's sister when I was 13. My youngest brother is currently 12, almost 13. I keep seeing the connections between that loss for me then, and our loss now. I would never undermine my brother's grief because he was close to my uncle, closer than I was with my aunt at 13. But, loss is so different as we age. I have somehow come to better accept it, and have better dealt with my grief this time around. However, I feel that the loss is more heavy for my soul, more permanently a part of the person I am now. After a month or so, I didn't think about the loss of my aunt that often, at 13 years old. The only reason my brother will probably think about my uncle longer is that we are dealing with his house and possessions now, and my mother will grieve more visibly than I remember my father grieving over the loss of his sister.
But that also depends on perspective, doesn't it? In our teenage years we see less of what others experience and feel, because we are just learning to really deal with what we feel and experience. It's the hardest time to turn out of ourselves. It doesn't mean I was uncaring as a 13-year-old, or that my brother is that way now, it's that we see less of what is really there. My brother may not see how long my mother — and father — grieve the loss of a brother. I did not see how long my father — and mother — grieved the loss of a sister. I will experience every bit of sadness my mom does when I go to visit over the next several months, as I will see much sadness in my grandmother as I get up every morning, get breakfast, and see her sitting and thinking about her lost son. My brother(s) will see some, but will move on with their own teenage lives.
My family has experienced so much deep loss the last few months, and sometimes it seems like too much to bear or think about. If I focus too long on it all I can't even function for awhile. I'm often short-tempered and unhappy with the way things are around me, including the way my husband or others are doing things. It really takes a piece of our spirits to lose precious loved ones, and it can be a battle some days to retain the person you were before they left you. I am fighting constantly to remember who I was, and to be happy in the little things in life, even when I still have that loss and sadness in the back of my head.
Healing can only be handled fully through TIME and CHRIST. My husband reminded me of that yesterday. A few weeks ago some friends of mine from Hong Kong came for dinner and a family home evening at my parent's house. The son had just returned from his LDS mission in Boston a few weeks prior, and shared a thought that has stuck with me. He said that when Christ showed his scars in hands and feet and side to the people He visited in the Americas, He was showing how He could relate to us, He was showing the mortal scars He received while on His earthly sojourn, just as we will be scarred from mortality. It was His way of showing He knew how we felt and how life was and how it was going to beat us all up. He lived through it perfectly, of course, and suffered for our sins and mistakes, not His own. But He can relate to each of us PERFECTLY, because of that. How amazing, to know that He gets it. He knows and He will show us His scars, if we let Him heal ours.
Life doesn't get any easier, but it gets better. Loss happens, because how else would we learn to cling to Him, because we have nobody else who gets it? My family will have scars left from our loss this last week, and our losses of the last few months, but we can show Christ and let them be healed forever. No matter if we are 13, 24, 50 or 95 when we lose something, He is there, and no matter what damage it does to us, He can repair it, along with our hearts.
I am turning 25 later this year, and have just started realizing how different it is for me to feel the way I feel now about loss, life, love, family, and hardships, than it was as a child, or even as a teenager.
My uncle committed suicide last week. He was unhappy a lot of the time, no matter what material things and wealth he obtained, which was a lot. He always had a problem with alcoholism, and could never quite get ahold of his addictions and the control they took from him. My extended family on my mother's side is not very large: we had me, my four brothers, my parents and then my maternal grandmother and two uncles. My older uncle lives in a different state and has been married a few years now, but we don't see he and his wife and two stepchildren very often. My uncle who died last week had a dog, and usually was dating someone seriously. I have a great aunt sometimes in the picture, but usually birthdays and holidays were celebrated with my immediate family, and my uncle and grandmother. That was it. So the loss of one of the 9 people (now 10, counting my husband) in that group is devastating.
I lost my aunt, my father's sister when I was 13. My youngest brother is currently 12, almost 13. I keep seeing the connections between that loss for me then, and our loss now. I would never undermine my brother's grief because he was close to my uncle, closer than I was with my aunt at 13. But, loss is so different as we age. I have somehow come to better accept it, and have better dealt with my grief this time around. However, I feel that the loss is more heavy for my soul, more permanently a part of the person I am now. After a month or so, I didn't think about the loss of my aunt that often, at 13 years old. The only reason my brother will probably think about my uncle longer is that we are dealing with his house and possessions now, and my mother will grieve more visibly than I remember my father grieving over the loss of his sister.
But that also depends on perspective, doesn't it? In our teenage years we see less of what others experience and feel, because we are just learning to really deal with what we feel and experience. It's the hardest time to turn out of ourselves. It doesn't mean I was uncaring as a 13-year-old, or that my brother is that way now, it's that we see less of what is really there. My brother may not see how long my mother — and father — grieve the loss of a brother. I did not see how long my father — and mother — grieved the loss of a sister. I will experience every bit of sadness my mom does when I go to visit over the next several months, as I will see much sadness in my grandmother as I get up every morning, get breakfast, and see her sitting and thinking about her lost son. My brother(s) will see some, but will move on with their own teenage lives.
My family has experienced so much deep loss the last few months, and sometimes it seems like too much to bear or think about. If I focus too long on it all I can't even function for awhile. I'm often short-tempered and unhappy with the way things are around me, including the way my husband or others are doing things. It really takes a piece of our spirits to lose precious loved ones, and it can be a battle some days to retain the person you were before they left you. I am fighting constantly to remember who I was, and to be happy in the little things in life, even when I still have that loss and sadness in the back of my head.
Healing can only be handled fully through TIME and CHRIST. My husband reminded me of that yesterday. A few weeks ago some friends of mine from Hong Kong came for dinner and a family home evening at my parent's house. The son had just returned from his LDS mission in Boston a few weeks prior, and shared a thought that has stuck with me. He said that when Christ showed his scars in hands and feet and side to the people He visited in the Americas, He was showing how He could relate to us, He was showing the mortal scars He received while on His earthly sojourn, just as we will be scarred from mortality. It was His way of showing He knew how we felt and how life was and how it was going to beat us all up. He lived through it perfectly, of course, and suffered for our sins and mistakes, not His own. But He can relate to each of us PERFECTLY, because of that. How amazing, to know that He gets it. He knows and He will show us His scars, if we let Him heal ours.
Life doesn't get any easier, but it gets better. Loss happens, because how else would we learn to cling to Him, because we have nobody else who gets it? My family will have scars left from our loss this last week, and our losses of the last few months, but we can show Christ and let them be healed forever. No matter if we are 13, 24, 50 or 95 when we lose something, He is there, and no matter what damage it does to us, He can repair it, along with our hearts.
I sure love you. I'm so glad you're still writing. It is such a healthy outlet that will also help your healing process. I hope you have had some meaningful time with your family during this tragedy. Sorry we've been so sick! We love you.
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