I should be happy....right?

Things are good. I am doing well in school. I am writing regularly for a couple newspapers, not just making some money but also gaining experience. I live with some of the very best roommates and friends I could ask for. I am dating someone who makes me smile every day, even if it's just because I get the chance to see him every day. I work regularly, but have evenings and weekends totally free. I should be SO happy.

Ya know, though, I'm not convinced that it's pure UNhappiness that I'm feeling, just......dissatisfaction. Is that a word?? Probably not.

Why though? I have it good. I AM LUCKY. Taylor always said that there was no such thing as luck, just a God. I don't know. Sometimes it's hard to wrap my head around the idea that God doesn't just let lucky stuff happen every once and a while, which would mean that he is involved in EVERY detail of EVERY person's life. That is a lot of details to worry about. Wow. That sounds so unfaithful. Luck just seems so much more reasonable. Okay, so maybe I am lucky, because God know what I need and can take. He is just being too good to me right now.

Taylor would probably be unhappy with me, if he was on this continent. He always felt like I could have done so much more for myself. And for others. But he never said that last part out loud. I could just tell. He would have theories about why I'm not as happy as I should be.

And it's not even that I'm dissatisfied all the time!! A lot of the time I am perfectly content. I have life under control right now. Maybe that's it. It's so ridiculous, the fact that when things are organized and in control that we are the least satisfied. What is it that I want that I don't already have? A trip around the world? A couple weeks to just leave and go on an adventure? Maybe just my own room for a bit? Haha, I don't need any of this! It's true. I am fine.

Usually this rough stuff happens for me in the mornings, or throughout a day, till a certain time near the end. You know what it is that gets me out of it, part way through or at the end of a day? Shane. I see Shane and I am fine. If I am with him, I am so content and everything is okay. Maybe not perfect, but so much better. He smiles, cracks a joke about how my backpack is bigger than I am, pokes me, then pulls me into a big, warm hug and voila. The magic is done and I am that much better.

Sometimes it scares me what he can do to me. He can make my heart flip over with just a small touch of my side. One big-eyed look from those huge sky-blue eyes and I give in to anything. Of course, I'm not sure that he knows that he can do this. Probably not. Is someone supposed to hold your heart like this?? Is it normal for everything to get better with one small smile on a scruffy face. I love that face. It's true. He knows that. Oh gosh. I just can't let on too much that he has such control. And it's only in some ways that he has control. I can fend for myself pretty well. I just wish that I could get him to react like I do, just with a touch or smile. UGH. It's too bad that I'm girl # 186 for him. Maybe then I would feel like a had more of a hold on him.

Maybe that's why I'm dissatisfied.